The Pilot who had Fake Eyebrows

img_5795Pilot guy and I matched a few days ago on tinder. I decided to be like Carrie Bradshaw when she got dumped via post-it, and not waste time pining over a guy that did not have the decency to treat me respectfully. Onward and swiping leftwards. Pilot guy has cute pictures, and is charismatic over text. A few times he’s overtly sexual, but he’s also quite funny. Because tinder can be ambiguous I decide to be direct with him, and I tell him “I realize you’re a pilot, and it’s the holidays, but I’m ultimately looking for legitimate dating, so if you’re in transit that would be a problem.” He says he lives locally. He tells me to meet him at Clive’s Cocktail Bar at 6 on Boxing Day, and I tell him I’m on antibiotics and up at 5 the next morning, so I won’t be drinking. He says, “they make virgins.”

I believe in bringing my own vehicle to first dates so I have an escape route, but it’s raining and my windshield wiper on my car is broken. I don’t have time to fix it, so I tell him we can pick somewhere closer or I will be late. He suggests picking me up, and I break my own rule in favour of convenience. Also, this means we won’t have that terrible moment of trying to guess who the other one is.

He texts me to say he’s outside, but we can’t figure out which parking lot he’s in, so he says he’ll drive to the front door. When he pulls up he yells, “OH HI PRINCESS, WHAT’S WRONG, DON’T WANNA GET YOUR HAIR WET?” Oh good! He’s obnoxious! When I get into the car he starts speaking a stream of words that will not end until I am home again. He’s tall, and has long arms, and some how they’re already touching me. His right elbow is up near my left shoulder, and his arm is kind of dangling. When he talks he taps me for emphasis, and he’s 2-3 inches away from my left breast, which is alarming. I say, “uh oh, you’re already touching me,” and he says, “I like how sassy you are.” He’s good looking, and he knows it. If he stopped talking for a minute, and didn’t touch me he would be 70% more attractive. He takes us to Cactus Club downtown, and I’m a bit concerned we might run into someone I know, because from the amount he’s touching me I would have to introduce him as my boyfriend, and not my ‘new friend of ten minutes.’

We sit at the bar and look through the drink menu. To his credit he says it’s fine that I don’t want to drink. I do wonder why I’m sitting at a bar then? I get a virgin blackberry ginger mojito that I don’t want, and he gets a virgin caesar. Why couldn’t we have just gone somewhere for tea?

I’m sitting in my chair properly facing ahead, and he is sat completely sideways in his. Both his legs are touching me and his left hand is touching me every few minutes while he talks. Because I have already suggested that he is too close several times and he hasn’t backed off, I finally stop the joking tone when I say, “you’re too close to me.” He says, “you have to break the touch barrier soon or girls put you in the friend zone.” Throughout our short date he will word barf out a few more ‘dating rules,’ for me that make me feel like I’m being sold a shitty car. He talks about sex and dating like we’ve known each other for years. He tells me the world is, “easier for a woman.” I say, “excuse me?” And he says, “have you ever been in a club?” I say, “have you ever been in a job interview?” He says he’s not “getting into a feminist debate right now,” and changes the subject. He pulls out his phone to show me a video of him flying, and there are tinder notifications from other girls. Fair, but it makes me feel weird. Have I sent tinder messages to guys when they were on dates? He is a fighter pilot, which means if the time comes he will bomb people. I say, “that’s a massive weight to carry, does that stress you out?” He says, “no, some people should die.” Cute. Out of nowhere he says he lost all his hair once and his eyebrows are fake. He is a conversationalist.

It comes out that he actually lives in Alberta and is here for the holidays. I’m annoyed, because I’m not interested in dating tourism, and have been explicit about that. He says, “yeah, but I knew you’d like my personality.” I tell him I would like to go home now. While he’s driving me home he talks about his ex girlfriend with the ‘short vagina.’ He says he could never date another girl like that again because she didn’t like sex. Is this his way of weeding out girls with short vaginas? Is that a thing I was supposed to be concerned about in dating? He asks to come up and I say, “no,” point blank. He says he’ll, “show me how to play guitar, and guitar is a euphemism for his dick.” I again say “no,” on account of I don’t require ‘dick playing’ lessons on this Monday night. I’m impressed he knew how to say euphemism. He asks again, and I laugh so hard I cough. He says we’ll ‘make out for five minutes and I’ll go.” I say, “bye.” He says, “night babe,” and I just say, “ugh.”

When I get in the door I text my dear single same aged friend, who I text all my dating woes too. She validates my overall disgust, and mild disappointment in a way only a solid woman to woman friendship can. I make tea, and bring it to the bathtub where I also eat a quarter of a gingerbread house.

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